Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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