last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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