Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
