Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
