I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
