my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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