in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
