I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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