If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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