You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
