I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
