I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
