I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
