Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
