I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
