We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
