I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
