My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
