guys are not supposed to queef...right?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
