I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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