i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
