i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
