you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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