Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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