I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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