I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
