I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
