Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
