i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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