I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
