he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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