Umm I'm too high to move.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
