then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
