if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
