Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
