She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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