Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I could make wine with my vomit
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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