i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
