I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
