Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
