Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
