Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
