Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
