dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
