Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
