Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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