During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
