I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have feelings that need drinking.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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