I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
