went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
