before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Randomize
