I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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