you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
